64 Seconds in Andar Qiu Qiu Paris

I’m not one of those parents who wrap their children up in cotton wool; I refuse to even pay for pyjamas. I do try my best to keep little Goliath away from television that he may find disturbing though, which normally involves avoiding programmes with Noel Edmonds.

Manchester United’s title winning celebrations at Eastlands caught me completely off-guard. The sight of a topless Rio Ferdinand should have set alarm bells ringing, but as he was next to a bare-chested Ronaldo; all I could think of was grabbing a can of Tango from the fridge.

Before I could reach the kitchen, the camera Andar Qiu Qiu switched to widescreen to show Wayne Rooney with his hands gently caressing the bottom of his shirt. As Rooney’s intentions became clear, i lurched for the remote control in a desperate yet futile attempt to save Goliath from the grisly spectacle.

The wee man was left traumatised by the ensuing pictures, and he’s visited the sea-life centre on many occasions. Manchester United were in a similar state in ’95 when the Hammers cost United the title; the Red Devils will finally take revenge at 3/5.

Jose Mourinho has rightly apologised for his over-the-top personal attack …